


Bridge Ownership and You: A User's Guide

by istie



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Demons, Gen, Hiking, Instagram, bridges, shyan if you squint REALLY HARD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-28 12:52:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13904409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/istie/pseuds/istie
Summary: Ryan decides he's tired of being the only one owning a bridge, so Shane and Ryan go for a hike.  Naturally, because this is the 21st century, and they work for Buzzfeed, they document their travels.





	Bridge Ownership and You: A User's Guide

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MercurySkies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercurySkies/gifts).



> This is based off the wonderful @MercurySkies' IRL foray into the wilderness of the UK; I promised them I'd turn it into a ficlet.

March 7, 2018, 3:47 pm, Shane Madej's Instagram story, clip #1.

Overlay: "Ryan wants a bridge too"

Scene: semi-shaky cam footage of a lightly forested, well-worn dirt trail; afternoon sunlight with an overcast sky. Ryan is several strides ahead of Shane, walking away down the trail; Shane is following him. Ryan is wearing a dark gray hoodie with the hood down, a black tuque on his head, light gray (possibly light blue, it's hard to tell) jeans, and some kickin' green sneakers. (He'd probably tell you about them at length, if you asked. Don't ask.) His hands are tucked in the front pocket of his hoodie. 

"So where we goin', Ryan?"

Ryan looks over his shoulder, briefly, at Shane, then looks back ahead. His voice is a little hard to hear, since he's facing away. "For a walk!"

"Where to?"

"A place!"

"Why?"

"To get our daily recommended exercise—"

Shane turns the phone around, his face filling the frame; he looks directly into the camera and interrupts Ryan, whom we can hear shouting "hey!" in the background as Shane says in a singsong voice: "Ryan wants his own demon briiiiiidge~~"

* * *

March 7, 2018, 3:52 pm, Ryan Bergara's Instagram story, clip #1.

Overlay: eyeroll emoji, lower-left corner.

Scene: same hiking trail, but Ryan has turned around and is walking backwards, filming Shane, who is wearing dark jeans, light shoes of some indeterminate make, a dark blue zip-up sweatshirt, dark-framed glasses, and a red tuque. His left hand is in his pocket, and his right hand is holding his signature black-and-blue travel mug.

"I have definitive proof that Shane Madej is addicted to caffeine," Ryan says, more or less in his theory voice but—well— you can tell he's trying not to snicker.

Shane's still a few steps from Ryan, but he's facing the camera, so he's easy to hear. "Can't go around stealing shit from demons without some of that sweet bean juice!" 

Ryan snorts and sputters. "We are not _stealing things from demons,_ we're _going on a hike_ —"

"To _Little Lucifer Bridge_ , Ryan, because you're not happy that I own a demon bridge and _you don't_ —"

"Bull and shit, my good man, bull and _shit_ —"

Shane sips his coffee and raises his eyebrows.

* * *

March 7, 2018, 4:10 pm, Shane Madej's Instagram story, clip #2.

Overlay: three raincloud emojis along the top.

Scene: the ghoulfriends have paused their hike. Shane is a step behind Ryan; you can see about two-thirds of Ryan's body in the right side of the frame. Both men are facing an absolutely fucking _enormous_ puddle, which covers the entirety of the path as well as at least two feet to each side.

"Forsooth! I forgot it hath rained," Shane said, overly dramatically.

Ryan shakes his head. "Trench foot, here I come," he moans. "I'm sorry, sneakers..."

* * *

March 7, 2018, 4:25 pm, Shane Madej's Instagram story, clip #3.

Overlay: a bunch of question marks, variously rotated and scattered randomly across the frame.

Scene: Ryan is standing in the middle of the path (the bottom three inches of his jeans are quite clearly soaking wet), staring at his phone. 

"Where is the sign for this fucking bridge," he mutters, "the Internet is gonna think I'm lying."

"Here we see Ryan Bergara, chickening out of going to a demon bridge, claiming he doesn't know where to find it..." Shane murmurs into the microphone.

Ryan looks up at him and raises his eyebrows. "Or the demon's gone and moved it because it knows a serial stealer of demon property is on his way. How about that?"

"Ryan, that's the dumbest thing I've heard all day, and I heard you attempt to order Chipotle with a hangover this morning."

"Shut up, Shane."

* * *

March 7, 2018, 4:45 pm, Ryan Bergara's Instagram story, clip #2.

Overlay: none.

Scene: Shane is standing in the middle of a bridge; Ryan seems to be standing, if not just _off_ the bridge, at the very end of it. The bridge is quite narrow, with diamond-shaped metal railings. Shane is doing his strange little twirly thing with his way-too-long-to-be-allowed arms flailing out above and around him.

"C'mon, Ryan," Shane shouts, "you want this bridge? You better come take it! Otherwise I'll own two bridges and you'll have _nada_! And _then_ what're you gonna do?"

The clip stops in the middle of Ryan grumbling and beginning to move forward, cutting to—

* * *

March 7, 2018, 4:46 pm, Ryan Bergara's Instagram story, clip #3.

Overlay: none.

Scene: immediate continuation of previous clip. Ryan is approaching Shane on the bridge, grumbling under his breath. You catch a couple words which sound suspiciously like "do not be afraid". As he approaches, Shane stops dancing and leans up against the railing. 

"Alright, alright, I'm here." Ryan says, stopping a couple of steps from Shane. "I did it."

Shane grins and his eyes crinkle. "No way, man, that doesn't count."

"It sure as hell does, I'm on _Little Lucifer's Bridge_ , I did it, I'm done."

"Nope!" Shane reaches out and pokes Ryan, presumably in the chest: the actual destination is out of frame. "You gotta tell him!"

"But—"

The video cuts.

* * *

March 7, 2018, 4:45 pm, Ryan Bergara's Instagram story, clip 4.

Overlay: none.

Scene: immediate continuation of previous clip.

"No buts about it!" Shane lifts his hands, ticking items off on his fingers. "First, find a demon bridge. Second, challenge the demon for the bridge. Third, demon cannot defend its claim because it does not exist. Fourth, you own the bridge. There's no skipping steps!"

" _Fine._ "

* * *

March 7, 2018, 4:46 pm, Shane Madej's Instagram story, clip 4.

Overlay: demon emoji, top-right corner.

Scene: Shane has stepped back slightly; Ryan is standing in the middle of the bridge.

"Lucifer!" he shouts. "Oh fuck, oh fuck, that's the goddamn _devil_ , Shane, what the fuck am I doing—" Shane is wheezing with laughter as Ryan continues. "Lucifer! I challenge you for the ownership of this bridge!" He begins shifting his weight nervously between his feet, muttering something that sounds a lot like a constant stream of "oh fuck me, fuck this, fuck fuck fuck fuck..."

* * *

March 7, 2018, 4:46 pm, Shane Madej's Instagram story, clip 5.

Overlay: confetti and fireworks emojis.

Scene: same as previous.

"Ha! Not so powerful after all, eh? This is _my_ bridge now!" Ryan shouts, arms up and open, both middle fingers extended. "Take a hike!"

"So too do we snuff you from this world, you fuckin' wimp," intones Shane.

* * *

March 7, 2018, 4:55 pm, Shane Madej's Instagram story, clip 6.

Overlay: "Ryan's idea of a good time"

Scene: The boys have moved on from the bridge. Shane is filming the ground at his feet, showcasing the utterly mucky and gross part of the trail the two are slogging through. The ground is _slurping_.

* * *

March 7, 2018, 4:56 pm, Ryan Bergara's Instagram story, clip 5.

Overlay: "So glad I didn't bring my expensive sneakers"

Scene: same thing, Ryan's feet. The ground is closer to the camera. You probably wouldn't actually notice this, but you just _know_ somehow.

* * *

March 7, 2018, 5:05 pm, Ryan Bergara's Instagram story, clip 6.

Overlay: none.

Scene: a placid lake, not large; you can see the other side in the distance, heavily treed. There are birds on the water and some, closer, on the shore: once Ryan's hand steadies, you can see they are geese. 

"Goosey, goosey, goose. Goosey goose goose goose." Yes, it's the same silly voice he used in the bizarre "bird" vine that you later discovered they filmed on location for the Isdal Woman episode. Sure enough, he turns the camera, and there's Shane: "Shane, Shane, _Shane—_ "

You see a split second of Shane preparing to swoop into the camera, but then his face shifts to looking _very concerned_ and suddenly the video feed shakes violently, Ryan emits a squawk of fear and you hear flapping wings and a honk that's way too close for comfort.

* * *

March 7, 2018, 5:20 pm, Shane Madej's Instagram story, clip 7.

Overlay: "we're getting Ryan another bridge to make up for the goose attack"

Scene: Shane is walking alongside Ryan, who is looking at his phone. 

"Where are we going, Ry?"

Ryan glances up at him and grumbles, "Friendship Bridge."

"Why for?"

"Because I'm evening out my bridge ownership by adding some friendship so I can balance out pissing off _the literal devil._ There is _no way_ that goose attack was a coincidence."

"And where's the Friendship Bridge?" You can _hear_ the glee in Shane's voice.

"I don't _fucking know_ ," Ryan says.

* * *

March 7, 2018, 5:35 pm, Shane Madej's Instagram story, clip 8.

Overlay: "found it!"

Scene: Shane is about a hundred feet from Ryan, who is standing on a little wooden bridge over a tiny little stream. He is gesticulating wildly and yelling; the words are unintelligible from this distance. You can see a wooden post, about twenty feet from Shane, which reads "Friendship Bridge" in white-painted chiseled-out letters.

* * *

March 7, 2018, 5:53 pm, Ryan Bergara's Instagram story, clip 7.

Overlay: "where the fuck are we, this hiking trail was supposed to loop around"

Scene: the boys are walking sedately down a path; the trees are quite thick. It's fifteen seconds of just walking, neither of them speaks: it's actually kind of creepy. The light is beginning to fade – dusk is setting in.

* * *

March 7, 2018, 6:02 pm, Ryan Bergara's Instagram story, clip 8..

Overlay: praying emoji, "we found civilization!"

Scene: same path, coming out of the thick trees to a heavy concrete bridge over a wider portion of river; the bridge is covered in graffiti. 

* * *

March 7, 2018, 6:03 pm, Ryan Bergara's Instagram story, clip 9.

Overlay: "Shane found his true calling"

Scene: Ryan is filming Shane, who is slipping – somewhat carefully – along the riverbank to the base of the bridge. Once he gets there, Ryan approaches the bridge itself, only to be stopped by a shout from Shane. Ryan pans the camera down.

"Hey! You!" Shane yells, using the creepy raucous voice he pulls out occasionally, "Get off my bridge!" He hunches his shoulders and spreads his arms, making claws out of his hands.

"Or what, you nasty troll?" Ryan yells back, suppressing giggles.

"Or I'll get Lucifer to come after you, we're _great_ friends!" Shane shakes his fist. "A thousand gold or I send the devil after ya!"

Ryan dissolves into laughter.

* * *

March 7, 2018, 6:07 pm, Shane Madej's Instagram story, clip 9.

Overlay: rainbow emoji.

Scene: they're at the other end of the concrete bridge, and Shane is walking up to a post similar to the one marked "Friendship Bridge" – only this one reads "Rainbow Bridge".

"Hell yeah, Rainbow Bridge!" Shane exclaims. "So I've got goats and rainbows, and you have—"

He pans the camera to Ryan, who is walking on his left. "The literal devil himself and, what, friendship? Sounds like my working relationship with _you_." He grins.

Shane flips the camera around to his face, grinning broadly and opening his eyes wide.

* * *

March 7, 2018, 6:16 pm, Shane Madej's Instagram story, clip 10.

Overlay: two ghost emojis, one in each top corner.

Scene: Ryan is poking at his phone as they walk along the trail.

"Stupid phone," Ryan mutters, "it was at seventy-five percent and then just up and _died_."

"Was it a _ghoooost?_ "

Ryan throws him a look. "No, you ass, it's a fuckin' _iPhone_ , I'm not sure even a demon could build them any more unreliably, fucking _Apple_."

* * *

March 7, 2018, 6:23 pm, Shane Madej's Instagram story, clip 11.

Overlay: "well, we know where we are now"

Scene: they've reached the enormous puddle again, and have paused once more, though on the opposite side. Shane pans the camera from the puddle to Ryan, then back again, then back to Ryan. Ryan looks like he's really not looking forward to traversing the muddy water again.

"Want a piggyback ride?" Shane asks.

Ryan looks up at him, surprised. "Uh—" He blinks. "...Yeah, sure, why not?"

* * *

March 7, 2018, 6:25 pm, Shane Madej's Instagram story, clip 12.

Overlay: "why did I agree to this, he's made of bricks"

Scene: Shane is holding his phone in his palm, face up, and the clip is just fifteen seconds of a very awkward angle of Shane's torso, head and shoulders, and Ryan wrapped around him on his back, arms around Shane's neck, head on top of Shane's.


End file.
